Carly Payne

THESIS GOING DOWN

2009-05-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Despite what my facebook page says, "Don't ever, ever, ever, ever ask me about my thesis," I have been so grateful to all the friends and family who have taken their lives in their hands to ask me about this project. Without them, I know I wouldn't have gotten as far as God has brought me in this process. So thanks again to all you who ignored my warnings, and persisted in asking. This blog is dedicated to you.

Today, I ran across a journal entry I wrote way back in October when I was really just beginning to make an effort with the thesis. At the end of it, I wrote a prayer. Today, I got to spend some time in joyful worship as I read that prayer, and reflected on how God has and is continuing to answer it.

Impulse vs. Steadfast Faith

"But you, beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith." Jude 20

To design and construct a building takes patient reflection. Measurements must be calculated with exact precision. Types of materials must be weighed and considered. The wise and careful spending of resources must be managed with careful forethought and insight. A well constructed building can not be built by impulse, or the project will implode on itself. When the builder receives the design and measurements from the architect, he shows his trust in the designers skill by building according to the blueprints and other instructions. He is bringing the architect's design to life, and must have confidence in the designer's abilities. He willingly submits his actions and desires to the architect's will, and the builder carries that will out.

This picture of "building" defies living life by one's impulse. Daily, I must submit myself to the designer's will, and trust in the resources He has chosen and given me. He has given us a blueprint, and while we have yet to see the finished product, we trust in the Creator's previous work which is firmly established and we trust in His vision and authority. We build on the faith God has given and sustains in us. Unlike our natural impulse, the faith of the Holy Spirit has perfect insight and build with a purpose that was in existence before the earth was made. Impulse lives in the moment and lives to please one's fickle desires. Faith lives in the context of eternity and the God of that eternity.

I see so many areas in my inner and outer life that are governed by impulses which in turn come out of personal fears. This thesis has been impacted hugely by my fear driven impulses. Help me to write this thesis in and by faith in You; not by my fickle impulses. And may I learn a holy perseverance in writing this thesis that carries over into all other areas of my inner and outer life. Write this thesis to help people understand and believe what God says; not what your ever changing impulses say. May my impulses be transformed into Christ's perseverance in faith, and may the thesis be one of your tools to accomplish this in others lives.

Potato For President

2009-04-20T22:02:00.001-07:00

This blog is quickly turning into a "sister brag" fest, but how can I resist when each day presents me with so much great material. Bizzie had to write a book for her "Young Authors Day" at school, and this is what that busy little mind produced. Think a little Spongebob and vegetarianism mixed in with politics. Let me also preface this by saying this story in no way reflects my actual political beliefs, or endorses one particular political party :) Enjoy the following:

Potato For President

by Bizzie

Pete the potato is a fry cook at Crispy Cone Restaurant in Idaho. Pete is a good cook and he loves his family. His wife is named Christy and their two kids are named Tater and Tot!

Pete loves his job, but he thinks he can do something better. Pete wants to run for President to make the world better for potatoes and all starches.

Pete thinks he would be a great President for the country. Pete is honest and he works very hard. He thinks the citizens would be proud for him to be the right spud for the job.

Pete is right! The citizens do want him to run for President. Soon Pete is in the campaign for President as the leader for the Starch Party, and he meets the other vegetable running against him- Broccoli Obama.

Broccoli Obama is a member of the Veggie Party. Just like Pete, Broccoli Obama believes that he would be the best President, and that he is honest and would take care of the country. Pete thinks Broccoli is pretty good, but he prefers potatoes instead of vegetables.

Soon it was time to pick running mates for Vice President. Pete picked a good stalk of corn from Iowa named Connie Cobb because he thought she had good ears and listened well! Broccoli chose a strawberry from California named Berry Sweet. The Starch Party and the Veggie Party were ready to meet their fellow people and convince them to vote.

Pete's campaign slogan got every one's attention: "THIS SPUD'S FOR YOU!!" Pete and Connie visited people all across the country telling them about how they would be the best President and Vice President in the world! Lots of people came to hear them speak. Apparently Starch was very popular all across the country! Everyone loved potatoes!

But many others prefer Veggies and Fruits, and Broccoli Obama and Berry Sweet had many fans too. The competition for the presidency was very close.

Every day Pete and Broccoli gave speeches and talks and met lots of people. They were on TV and there were many articles about them in the newspapers. The main thing everyone talked about was the race between Starches and Veggies. Which food group was the most popular? What did the people prefer?

Finally, it was Election Day. Pete and Connie were very nervous but proud of their campaign. They felt pretty confident that the people would agree. They were right! At the end of the journey, the people made their vote. The final count was: Starch got 2,000,000 and Veggies got 1,999,999. Pete won by just one vote and was the winner. The Potato was chosen for President. Broccoli Obama was fried.

On the big day, Pete, Christy, and the kids, Tater and Tot, moved into the President's mansion so that Pete could begin his new job as President. President Pete was the most Famous Potato from Idaho.

Sisters

2009-04-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

My job is to be a sister. To say the least, I have one of the most fabulous jobs in the world. It demeans it to refer to it as work. It's not a job, it's just life.

First, there's Katie. Twelve (if you read this, she'll want you to know that 13 is JUST around the corner) going on thirty. With that gorgeous smile and dimples, she makes the big sister come out in me as I find myself wanting to hide her away from those little horrors known as junior high boys. You can't imagine the sigh of relief that came out of me when she announced one day "I think I just want to be single for awhile." Of course right after the sigh of relief, I thought to myself "Wait a second. That's the kind of stuff my mid-twenties friends and I say! What in the world?!" There is a depth to this girl that I love. There is a budding writer there, and I look forward to the day where I can say in my little old lady voice, "I picked her up from school..." Empathy and compassion make that smile even more beautiful. She feels deeply (a quality every good writer must have) and she is the rock that her friends depend on. I can't count the number of times I have proudly watched her negotiate those tricky teenage friendships with integrity and wisdom. Now just indulge me in this little whim, but I have to say it. The girl just has some amazing hair. Now I'm not a girly-girl, but I can't help feeling like I'm in a shampoo commerical everytime I'm around her! Please people, don't be distracted by the fabulous hair, there is real girl there.

Then there's Bizzie.... the name says it all. Elizabeth, that's what we call her when she is sick or depressed. Bizzie is who she is all of the time, a force of nature to be reckoned with. Our powerful little pixie, who somehow, in spite of her diminutive stature, manages to fill up an entire room with her presence. Like her older sister, she is wise beyond her years, and yet the most random stuff will just come flying out of her mouth. "Bizzie, what is your greatest athletic achievment thus far? I did 45 butt bounces in a row on the trampoline!" "Bizzie, what would you like to pass on to the next generation? My eyebrow!" She's part rockstar, part artist, part skater, part revolutionary, part emcee, part DJ, and hostess with the mostest. But don't let her rockstar ways fool you, this girl has a heart of gold like the big sister Katie she so idolizes. Her softspot is best seen with little kids, in particular her cousins JD and Rawley. They adore her and she adores them. Bizzie was one of the first kids I really saw her cousin JD (who has autism) really try to engage with. And in true Rockstar fashion, Bizzie can rock any hat she wears including the hard to wear fedora.

My life is now complete in the sense that I have little sisters to brag on and nag on. Love you, my Rockstar Chicas!

Grace Like Rain

2009-04-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to devote a blog to praising and thanking God for his grace like rain in my life, and the lives of those I'm blessed to know.

1. For my family and their constant pursuit of God's grace rather than perfection. I am so blessed by being able to be in a strong Christian family. And thank you to all the friends who have reminded me of this blessing!

2. For my 2nd family, the Winkles (Jack, Julie, and Noah) for letting me be a part of their family for these very sweet 8 months. Jack and Julie, for allowing me the privilege of seeing God work his grace out in your marriage, your parenting, and your friendships! Noah, you are the best big little bro I could have ever asked God for. You have taught me so much during the time I've known you.

3. For my little "sisters", Katie and Bizzie Ward who have filled that void in my life of being and only child. Thanks for indulging me in that, and thank you to their parents, Rob and Teri, who are gracious enough to entrust their most precious gifts to me (and for letting me take them to a concert and get henna tattoos! You're the coolest parents ever!). You all mean more to me than you'll ever know!

4. For all the families of children with disabilities that I've had the privilege to work with and know; the Daltons, Twiggs, Chediak's, Malles, Baxters, Hopkins, Winkles, Flaherty... and the list continues to grow! Your love and faithfulness to your children has given many priceless gifts to me and others who watch you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. Also all the amazing co-workers and mentors who have been so influential in making me a better teacher.

5. For my Cornerstone family... you all are amazing, and you teach me so much about our beloved Savior! Thank you for being Christ to me and my family. I wish I could devote an entire blog to the blessings we have experienced through our church family. I am so excited to be able to move back, and be a part of this amazing church body.

6. For my high school girlfriends; Holly, Vanessa, Lindsay, Heather, Meredith. How many people remain friends from elementary school to the present! It's such a joy and an honor to know you all! We have all been through our share of tough times these past few years, and you've all just become stronger, more beautiful women of God. Love you all!

7. For my fellow Sweazy RA's and RD; Sam and the three Sarah's! I see you all once a year, and that event is a highlight. To see God's grace in your lives over the years is beautiful to see.

8. For my TMC friends and mentors too numerous to name, but each so significant in their roles in my life. I am so proud of all of you, and what you are allowing God to do in your lives in the present. I am so grateful UCSD rejected me!

9. For the high school friends I've only really gotten to know after high school! Mike, Lisa, Jayson, Ms. Cramer... Wish we could have all been closer back in the day, but so blessed to know you now and looking forward to receiving more inspiration from all of you!

10. And last but certainly not least, all my numerous friends and family spread out in Uganda, Kenya, and Sudan. I miss you all, and am so honored to call you friends, brother, sisters. It's painful and difficult to be separated, but I look to the day when we'll be united in our Father's presence and all things will be made right before Him.

This list just barely begins to scratch the surface of God's grace like rain, but I pray it encourages, inspires, delights all who read it. I pray it causes the Holy Spirit to move your hearts in gratitude, awe, and praise of our great and mighty Savior.

Theology and Starbucks

2009-01-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

When you go out for coffee, you don't always pay for the coffee. You also pay for the atmosphere. Well Starbucks, or as my Dad refers to it "Fourbucks" is no exception, you get what you pay for. This particular Starbucks is renowned for it's witty and culturally sensitive baristas as you will see by the following exchange. Barry the Barista offered me an extra shot in my cappuccino, to which I told him I didn't really want to be jumping out of my skin at the conference I was on my way to. He chided me for wasting a shot, and I kindly suggested he drink it himself if he was so concerned about the waste factor. With a manic look in his eye, he responded with "Does it really look like I need more?" I recanted, and he began to inquire about where I was going, "What conference are going to?" I figured the only way to help him deal with his caffeine with-drawls was to take his mind off them by answering his question. "It's put on by Master's College." In response, He debonairly handed me the sleeve to my cup, winked, and said with that California skater boy drawl "Sexy!" And with that my four dollar investment in "Fourbucks" barista tact and sensitivity program was yielded back to me in full. I walked out comforted and relieved that theology has reached a new cultural high, because baristas are secretly the truest measure of that very thing.

Questions

2009-01-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

One of my goals this year is to collect and answer great questions. I want to ask them not only of myself, but of everyone around me. A friend, the lovely Kayla Hernandez, came across this list of questions compiled by Donald Whitney. These are great questions to meditate and act on. So here's the question I'm thinking on today. Feel free to answer!

What's the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year?

From the Mouth of Babes...

2009-01-06T21:44:00.001-08:00

This is just a taste of the conversation I had today with my "little sister." Growing up, I always wanted a little sister or brother to watch over, nurture, shepherd, all those tender little things. Here is a sample of one of those precious moments ;)

Me: "Bizzie, let's try something different for treat day this week. Is there something new you want to try ?"

Bizzie, the 9 yr. old going on 30: "Well, you could take me to Elephant Bar and get me a virgin pina colada!"

Personal Deliverance

2008-12-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

God, liberate us from the misery of self-serving fear that wants to run the other way from conflict, pain, other's suffering, personal suffering, and messy relationships that bring in all of the above. Several times in the past months, I have found myself running away from confusing or painful situations citing the ultimate cop out of "Lord, I am but a youth." God brought me back to a journal entry I had written back in June. It was words on a page then, and now it's fast becoming a living, breathing reality as God's Words bring me and others to gaze upon the beauty of His Son.
When I read the words of Jeremiah, I so often envision a gray bearded old man. After all, those kind of words are one's you imagine coming from the mouth of a wise elder. I was reading Jeremiah 1:8 in it's context, and was reminded that God had called Jeremiah while still a young man.

"Now the word of the LORD came to me, saying,

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you,

and before you were born I consecrated you;

I appointed you a prophet to the nations.'

Then I [Jeremiah] said, 'Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I do not

know how to speak for I am only a youth;'

But the Lord said to me,

'Do not say, 'I am only a youth;'

for to all whom I send you, you shall go,

and whatever I command you, you shall speak.

Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you,'

declares the LORD."

Jeremiah 1:4-8

The Father does not promise that we will be kept from all danger, conflict, harm etc. In fact, His promises are often given in the context that we will certainly face trials of both a personal and corporate nature. Jeremiah's job from God was to warn His people to repent in the face of God's wrath and judgement for their rebellion against Him. Jeremiah had to surrender self-preservation and receive a humble selflessness that founded itself on God alone and transcended his personal fears. God asks us to be more concerned with others fate than our own, and in that, he will deliver us and them from danger brought upon us by evil. God will not guard our self-preservation. He will guard only our true lives which are hidden in His Son. These are lives that He has transformed into selfless devotion to Him and His loved ones. It seems the more risks we humbly take in obeying God, the more protection He provides. He will guard His holiness and righteousness being worked out in us. He will not guard the sin that prevents those things, and brings death into our innermost being. His holiness and righteousness come with a good, healthy tension in our lives. That tension and our response to it often reveals sin that God wants to purge from our lives. That purging is a fundamental part of His protection and deliverance. God has promised that He is and will guard our lives. And it is life as He created it, not as we think of it in the throes of our fleshly desires. We add on unnecessary and harmful things to the concept of life. He doesn't guard those things. He purges them, so we may Have life and have it in abundance in Him.

Confessions of a Semi-Reformed Apathetic Voter

2008-11-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

As my friend, Mr. Jack Winkle says, if you're not involved, you can't complain. Well, as of this morning, I can officially complain about the status of of our country. But I'm not going to do that, because some of my apathy still remains. This will most likely be the only time I ever blog about politics for the two reasons that I am apathetic and lazy when it comes to US politics. Sadly, I probably know more about African politics than I do about my own country.

My friend, Mr. Winkle, likes to characterize me as a contrarian; "
a person who takes an opposing view, esp. one who rejects the majority opinion, as in economic matters." This has been demonstrated by the fact that I am a sucker for the underdog in nearly every sporting event. Bring that attitude into our current political season, and my temptation is extremism; to disregard all things of a political nature. I was seriously considering not voting at all until I begin to have some interesting conversations with my junior high age friends, Rosie and Katie. In spite of my self proclaimed apathy, I couldn't contain my curiosity about their thoughts and attitudes regarding current events. I began to feel somewhat hypocritical as I challenged them and vice versa. Did I want them to adopt the same attitude I had? In spite of the fact that they are not of voting age, these are the years where they are in the beginning stages of forming worldviews, life philosophies, opinions etc. I wanted them to care about the issues we were talking about, to see the bigger picture, and yet my apathy was completely opposed to that.

I also began to consider what I had observed about politics overseas. Uganda; never has had a peaceful transition of power, presidents come into power through violent and bloody coups. My most current trip there was filled with rumors of yet another coup. Kenya; the hope of Africa, was left in chaos after a contested political election. Sudan; elections? Elections, who has time for those when you're engaged in decades of bloody civil war that completely destroy your country's infrastructure. When people go to vote in these countries, they have all paid a heavy price to do so. They don't have the luxury of being apathetic when it involves their very survival. And when they do exercise their freedom to vote, it is often done under threat of violence. Furthermore, my family and I spent a large part of our summer in Uganda talking politics with concerned Ugandans. Trust me, it was not a conversation I initiated, but I was floored as time after time, Ugandans continued to engage me in political discussions about the virtues of Barack Obama vs. the virtues of John McCain (although to be completely honest, few Ugandans had ever heard of McCain. The love was definitely on the Obama side). Ugandans were more interested in US politics than I was, and they saw the US elections as being extremely influential in the future of African nations. As I considered these things, I realized that I needed to take a serious look at my apathetic attitude toward politics. This led me to begin studying what was truly entailed in an apathetic lifestyle, and what I discovered scared me. The following are some interesting definitions I came across.

"absence of suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement"

"lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting."

"lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness"

As I looked at these simple definitions, I asked myself, are these the character qualities the Holy Spirit desires to grow in me? Is being made in the image of God in sync with being passionless and indifferent? Read Job 38-40, and the answer is more than a resounding no, God's presence in Creation and His Son renders complete and utter speechlessness. These thoughts then led me into looking at the history of the word "apathy," and here are the fascinating results.

"1603, "freedom from suffering," from Fr. apathie, from L. apathia, from Gk. apatheia "freedom from suffering, impassability," from apathes "without feeling," from a- "without" + pathos "emotion, feeling, suffering" (see pathos). Originally a positive quality; sense of "indolence of mind, indifference to what should excite" is from c.1733."

"Ap"a*thy\, n.; pl. Apathies. [L. apathia, Gr. ?; 'a priv. + ?, fr. ?, ?, to suffer: cf. F. apathie. See Pathos.] Want of feeling; privation of passion, emotion, or excitement; dispassion; -- applied either to the body or the mind. As applied to the mind, it is a calmness, indolence, or state of indifference, incapable of being ruffled or roused to active interest or exertion by pleasure, pain, or passion. "The apathy of despair." --Macaulay.
A certain apathy or sluggishness in his nature which led him . . . to leave events to take their own course. --Prescott.
According to the Stoics, apathy meant the extinction of the passions by the ascendency of reason. --Fleming.
Note: In the first ages of the church, the Christians adopted the term to express a contempt of earthly concerns.
Syn: Insensibility; unfeelingness; indifference; unconcern; stoicism; supineness; sluggishness."

In essence, apathy is an avoidance of suffering; something our heavenly Father and His Son do not embrace. Apathy is largely an excuse to live your life based on your convenience regardless of your background and personal opinions. The best things in life are worth fighting for, as lived out by Christ and His followers, and apathy can not co-exist with that mindset and lifestyle. So we should use this current political season to really allow the Holy Spirit to put us through the refiners fire, and thus grow us in learning how to love God and love people. When it comes to standing before God, we are not going to be called into account for what political party we aligned ourselves with, but we will be called into account about how we loved God and loved Him through our love or lack of love for others. The political systems of the USA, of Africa, of the UK, of little tiny Bernei are all flawed and will continue to be; however, it is through the flaws that God works out His amazing and miraculous redemption. So in this current political season let us all consider what it is God would have us to learn and act on with regards to His redemption in the face of our inevitably imperfect choices.

Transforming Thoughts

2008-10-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some reading related to my thesis, and came across this incredible collection of essays on ministry to and with people with developmental disabilities. It's a book called The Pastoral Voice of Robert Perske, and he does an amazing job of bringing Christ's grace and mercy into theology and how it relates to our brothers and sisters with developmental disabilities. I was so moved, that I wanted to post some these excerpts from his book and leave them for food for thought. Enjoy!

"Sammy knows that he has both weaknesses and strengths. He knows he is imperfect. Sometimes I am forced to smile when I think of the doctrines of perfection and sanctification that caused many of us much struggle and guilt in earlier days. It is interesting to note how much theology has been written so that between the lines we can perceive man's struggle for a brilliant mind, a beautiful body, and a pure heart. It is a struggle for a fantastic perfection that none of us can achieve in the world. Sammy's condition, and that of others like him, helps us to see that every man is a conglomerate of weaknesses and strengths with which we must struggle and out of which he will bring Creation of a sinful lack of Creation as long as he lives.

No theological view can ever be realistic and relevant until the man doing the viewing has some understanding of his own human limits. In fact, it is my hunch that the better a man is able to perceive his finite limits and live with them, the close he will be able to come to a relevant theological view."

"Sometimes a pastor can get caught up in theologizing about the process. I personally feel that the better job we can do in understanding and accepting the [person with developmental disabilities] the better we can believe what God must feel toward us. for then we came closer to believing that God loves, understands us and accepts us as we are and doesn't wait until we change into what he wants us to be before He starts loving us."

This final section comes from an essay entitled "The Mentally Retarded Can Arouse Repulsions." Before you turn away in disgust at the title, just remember the context and time this was written in. Yeah, it's not Politically Correct, but read first, then judge.

"Many hate to admit that they can be repelled by [people with developmental disabilities] to some degree. Sometimes the 'pulling away' is observed as an overt act. At other times it is done in more subtle ways. this can lead to a most interesting problem. Why is it that we sometimes feel repelled?

Is it because we have never learned to live graciously with failure in our own lives? Failure can make us feel guilty.

Is because we have strong needs for stimulating relationships only? Is it hard to give to people who can't give as much in return?

Is it because because one of our greatest fears is that we will be found to be stupid and insignificant? Is this one of our most closely guarded fears: that we will be found to be a 'nothing?' Do we sometimes refuse to associate with those who remind us of one of our own greatest fears?

Is it because in America we hold high the myth of human progress? WE try so hard to believe that man is always making positive development, always moving onward and upward toward achieving the brilliant mind, beautiful body, and the pure heart which none of us will ever have fully in this life. Maybe we hate to admit that human process does move backward and downhill at times.

Or is it more comfortable and secure to keep our relationships narrowed to those who live, function, and think like ourselves. Can we dare to do this when society has now begun to learn that greater creativity comes from struggling with the individual differences of people even if it is risky?

Notice that the questions raised do not force us to ask, ' What is wrong with the [developmentally disabled] person?' Instead, the tables are turned. They force us to ask, 'What is wrong with us that makes us want to avoid the [developmentally disabled?"

Our loved ones with developmental disabilities do not need more redemption than the rest of us. We all need and require the same amount of infinite redemption and divine mercy and justice.

We Love our Tank

2008-10-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

We've Always Depended on the Kindness of Strangers

2008-10-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

This blog is in response to my "Big Sister", Julie Ann Winkle, who will not stop harassing me and threatening me with bodily harm if I don't update my blog. Good thing, you're in Hawaii right now, Julie! I can talk all the smack I want, and there's nothing you can do about it!!

Well, Noah, myself, and the newest member of our ever expanding family, the fabulous Jamie Tracy, are our own little family this week as Jack and Julie are getting some much needed R&R in Hawaii. With Prop 8 posters everywhere, Jamie made a very appropriate observation as we walked into Denny's the other day, "Hey, look! We're the picture of the new American family!" We have to admit, it is pretty entertaining to watch people's reactions as we're out in public. You can see the questions on their faces, "What is going on there?"

This week has been a lesson in how to live out Christs grace in the public eye when everything seems to be out of your control. I've been trying to put the shoe on the other foot, and see what people see when we're out in public. It is indeed very easy to make assumptions. It does occasionally look like Jamie and I are young mothers who don't know what in the world they're doing. When we're out in public with Noah, it's easy to walk around with a chip on your shoulder or the attitude of "Bring it on" with the inaccurate assumptions and judgments and stares of people around us. You can kind of attain to a level of sick pride as you flaunt your "Deal with it" attitude. But several times this week, our pride has suffered some much needed blows as we have been the recipients of God's mercy at the hands of strangers. In a public restaurant, a little boy sitting behind us, came up and offered Noah a lollipop when he saw Noah having a difficult time with the noise level. The waitress accommodated our every need as we made adjustments to get our lunch to go. The father of the boy who offered the lollipop asked what he could to do help. My initial reaction was to apologize for distracting him from lunch with his family, but he gave me some much needed perspective as he graciously said "Don't apologize. We've all been through it. My daughter just had a tantrum five minutes ago. I'm just so frustrated, because I want to help you." Then he and his family just sat there in silent support as Noah worked out his frustration. That man and his family helped more by just letting us know that it was okay, and we were no different from "normal" families who struggle as we do.

A second incident of grace occurred when we took Noah to school the other day. School has been difficult for Noah of late, and we anticipated that it might be a little rough this week with mom and dad being gone. Noah was working out his fears, angers, and frustrations on the ground of the school parking lot, and I was consumed with protecting him and not even thinking about how to make the long journey from the parking lot to the school entrance. You get tunnel vision in those moments, and aren't even aware of what is going on around you. Apparently, there were a few lookie loo's, and one mom who had a son in Noah's class took it upon herself to stand in front of us to protect our dignity and make a statement. In all fairness, some of those lookie loo's may have been standing there to offer their silent support. You can't help but watch a train wreck, and sometimes the only thing we can do is look on and pray. Another mom from our church, who I hadn't met until that day, came up, assessed the situation, saw my need, and took the initiative to get his teacher's assistance. With all these people rallying around him, Noah rose to the challenge, and got through the day with flying colors! In spite of the intensity of his tantrum, I firmly believe that Noah understood and was responding to the grace of Christ that these people were pouring out on him. And he will continue to do so. Today Jamie, Noah, and I prayed before we got out of the car, and Noah responded with a hearty "Amen." Noah watches us intently, and I pray that he sees us crying out to God in the middle of confusion and chaos. We pray that he learns to cry out to God in the midst of his frustration and pain. We have miles to go before we sleep, but God's grace is much more potent in the middle of the confusing unknown. God's grace and mercy is just as potent on the ground of a parking lot as it is in the pew of a church building.

The Monster Lives and Breathes

2008-10-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

Egomania is a tough tenant to get rid of. It's had to step down from a job, an embarrassing car wreck, and personal failure thrown at it the past month, and it still thrives. It seems to fight harder and gain strength when you think it's going to hightail it out of town. Egomania is charming. He winks, laughs, whispers in your ear, seduces you into oblivion of inflated self. He doesn't look imposing, but his charm and wit cover for his overwhelming and unusual strength. He perverts Christ's divine strength, making it appear weak and pathetic. But while he's doing this song and dance, he's picking the pockets of your soul and stripping your heart clean. Then, before you know it, you're waking up in an alleyway naked, starving, and terrified. And yet, you crawl back to Egomania, somehow deceiving yourself that he is your savior in your time of need. He decks you out in the finest clothes, and then you willing become his servant. He becomes your pimp, selling your soul out to the highest bidder; lust, jealousy, anger, vanity etc. An abundance of demands on my time has resulted in me letting my guard down, and more vulnerable to the subtle and deadly attacks of Egomania. He has somehow survived the car accident, but pride can't survive the realization of one's mortality. I finally sat to just listen to myself breath, and reflect on the the Martha question, "What one thing is necessary?" Redemption, redemption, redemption. Redemption that not only leads us into but allows us to share in the disposition and riches of Christ and His inheritance.

"The little 'I am' always sulks when God says I do. Let the little I 'I am' be shrivelled up by God's indignation-

I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee. He must dominate."

Oswald Chambers

And He will dominate with both severe power and tenderness in order to expose the lies Egomania has fed you and you have willingly believed.

Don't Mess with Texas, It will do This to Your Car

2008-09-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

You're a car accident waiting to happen when you have a bumper sticker on your car that says, "I MESSED WITH TEXAS, IT'S NOT SO TOUGH."

Sorry, Texas you win.

Went through an intersection, got clipped on the back end by an SUV, went into a spin, over the center divider, across three lanes of oncoming traffic, through the fence to Grandma's house we go.

TGIF

2008-09-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

This is how we do it at the Winkle house on a Friday night

Studly Soccer Players and the Life Cereal Box Girl

2008-09-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

Movie Theatre Meditations

2008-09-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

I had the rare opportunity to enjoy the loud silence of a movie theatre for 10 whole minutes today, and after a day filled with shuttling kids around, the silence was indeed deafening. My first reaction was to check my text messages, of which I knew I had no new ones. Then I thought I would text a friend. Then my over analytical mind began musing over why my first response in quiet was to reach for my cell phone. Why couldn't I just sit there, and stare off into space? After all, I was completely alone. I could talk to as many imaginary friends as I wanted, break into song with the movie, snort laugh as much as possible, and belch like a trucker. By the time I had created a list of 15 things to do in an empty theatre, people had trickled in and my musing was interrupted by 30 minutes of adrenaline pumping previews. Once musing starts, it's difficult to put it on pause, and I found myself composing a blog throughout the entire film. It was a great movie (Ghostown with Ricky Gervais). Deadpan British humor is the best, and I snort laughed under my breath several times in deep appreciation. Anyways, British humor, as entertaining as it was, did not seem to be enough to put the musing to an end. Since I've been spending most of my time with masses of hurling tornadoes called children, I've learned the art of deep philosophical meditation while attempting to simultaneously drive and prevent Noah from opening the car door to rescue the french fries that fell between the seat and the door.
Back to the film, Ricky Gervaise was playing this uptight, cold dentist who warms to the world by the combination of finding the love of his life while helping ghosts carry out their unfinished business. You have to see it to understand the appeal. Honestly, Ricky Gervais is one of the few who can pull something like that off. He undergoes this transformation, gets the girl yada, yada yada.... All that somehow triggered meditation on experiences in Uganda this past summer. For a good six months, I seemed incapable of love. Well realistically, I found I was a sorry mess incapable of love because I had gotten myself there and it was part of the human condition. I honestly despised being in Uganda most of the 2 1/2 weeks we were there, and was grieving over a love I thought I had lost forever. I was supposed to love Uganda and its people, and 23 hours of the day, I didn't. I feared I had never loved anyone or anything to begin with. There were moments of listening to some one's story where I would be thinking, "If I have to hear another story, pretend to care, and pretend to try to fix it, I'm going to march off into the bush and disappear." God was gracious and merciful to give despair over sin and over helplessness. He hurts to heal, and Meghan, my dear cousin, walked through the muck with me. There were several times I wanted to dunk her under and hold her there (I'm sure she felt the same), but God carried us through on each other's arms. When we got back from Uganda, I spent the next week being a hermit, alternating between watching reality television and bawling my eyes out. There's nothing to help you feel better than watching other people self destruct on national television. The self needs to be destroyed for Christ and His otherness to be built up in us. Fortunately, we have to despair of the ability to love before we are free to enjoy the mercy of His love and the love of His others. There's been no great climax in all this, but the steady walking and crawling and resting in the refuge.

Today, I spent the day with one child with autism and one "typical" child. You would think there would be a great difference between the two, but there was hardly any in the things that make them both wonderfully human. They both alternated between beautiful selflessness and complete selfishness and disregard for others. It was hilarious to watch. Noah melted down in the frozen foods section of the grocery store and Bizzie demanded constant entertainment and pleasure. Noah fished the ball out of the pool for us during an animated lacrosse game, gave us kisses, and selflessly bounced us on the trampoline. And he worked through his anxiety in a new situation and let us finish having lunch at the park. Bizzie, on her end, carried all my stuff while I had my hands full with Noah, shared her dreams and desires to be an autism therapist with me and Noah, let Noah take my full attention, bossed him around when he was being stubborn, and sweetly offered him gummies as he sweated it out during soccer practice. And this is the complex reality we present to God every single day of our lives, and He loves us so perfectly and completely. I enjoy the sentimentality of love, but there is nothing like the love that is learned, that endures when someone is walking through the muck, that wipes the snot off of your face, or cleans your toe ring while it's still on your toe. I will never forget the day that I had today with Bizzie and Noah, or three weeks ago with Noah. We were having an altercation in the bathroom. Noah was in the middle of a huge tantrum, and I lost it and yelled at him and a little too forcefully grabbed his hands to prevent him from biting them. He continued to scream, and I just sat on the toilet seat, put my head in my hands, and just began to cry. Noah didn't quite know what to make of this anomaly. One of the affects of autism is the inability to read social cues which is why I was completely floored by what happened next. Noah put his hands on my wrists, looked at me, put his head down, and said "ov oo" which is his way of saying "love you." I certainly didn't deserve that, and I cried even harder which set him off again, but God had used all those times of us telling him we loved him during his meltdowns to now minister to me in a huge moment of sin and helplessness. This is love, not that we loved him, but that he loved us, and became man with and for us. We have nothing to prove in our love or our lack of love. We have simply to trust and follow and enjoy mercy. Thank you God for teaching us from the mouth of babes.

Red Sox, Yankee's, and Gymbo... Oh My!

2008-09-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, friends, child development is on sale. It's a specialized trade that only the professionals can assist you with, and you better get right or you royally screw up your child's future. If you truly love your child, you'll willingly shell out the big bucks for the professional's advice, their unique technology and equipment, and their magical music that will cause your child's brain to grow to the size of a watermelon. And yes, I work for the "enemy." Having your foot in both worlds, one is the family community and the other is the world of the "professionals", is an experience we all should have. When the two work together, it's such an amazing process to be a part of. And when all hell breaks loose between the two, it's exhausting and exhilarating once you work it out. Sometimes you just have to crawl under a table, and just wait until everyone runs out of ammo. Other times you acknowledge that you're the Red Sox and their the Yankees, and their will never be any love lost between the two. Well, my time as a free agent has ended, and I'm signing on with the Red Sox for the time being. The Winkle's have given me an incredible opportunity to be a part of their support system. Noah will probably try to negotiate with the Yankee's behind our backs as demonstrated by the fact that he sometimes still tries to walk me out the front door at night when I tell him goodnight. It'll be a great time for the professional training and head knowledge to be reconciled with street smarts and family time. So farewell, Gymbo and Gymboree. Gymbo, it's not you, it's me. It never would have worked out. We're just better off as friends.

Life Hurts and the Hope is in the Hurt

2008-09-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

A week with a tough decision to make, difficult news to hear, and several loved one's facing excruiating pain. Maybe that's why this book ended up coming home from the bookstore with me today, Good Poems for Hard Times. No solved problems this week and no end in sight for loved one's pain, but a poem that just spoke to truth to daily reality.

Job

"Yes: wisdom begins with fear of the Lord,

which comprehends the power that made the seas,

the earth, the shimmering dawn, the unexplored

unfathomed skies, the moon, and the Pleiades.

Which aso know Who comes to judge our shoddy

little failing lives, knowing full well,

we need not fear the one who kills the body,

but only He who condemns the soul to hell.

Which also knows it magnifies the Lord,

defying the demon, being the only release,

oddly enough, from fear, being its own reward,

which is also wise, is faith, is hope, is peace,

is tender mercy, over and over again,

until, at last, is love, is love. Amen."

William Baer

Studly Surfers

2008-08-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

Every week, it gets better and better. Last week, I got to be with some studly soccer players and this week I got to hang with some pretty gnarly surfers. Yesterday, we played hooky from jobs and school, and went down to La Jolla for Surfer's Healing, a day long surfing camp for children with autism. Noah changed his name to suit the day, Moa-Moah became his Samoan surfing name. Bradley, his friend, became B-rad, and Gio was Rocky in honor of his very patriotic swim trunks. Noah perfected the art of swim&stim or should I say surf&stim while B-rad survived a sick wipeout only to bob up with a huge smile on his face. Blogger is not the greatest place to post a ton of pictures, so if you want to see the studly surfers in action, go to this link.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012021&l=d30fd&id=159900391

Snarkiness and Studly Soccer Players

2008-08-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Snarky is one of those great British words that hits the nail on the head better than American English, and it makes you sound intelligent. It also sounds better than "jerkface" which is essentially what it translates into. I was guilty of being snarky when I was invited to a jewelry party with the "Desparate Wives of Canyon Country." See, there's a perfect demonstration of snarky. The entire time I was there I was alternately looking around for the reality show camera crew, and composing a a blog chock full of snarkiness. After I had time to calm down from my experience, I realized that my knee jerk reaction to tear these women down was just pure self righteousness/legalism/insecurity. I forgot that these women are part of the real world, and although they appeared to be fake to me, they do in fact daily struggle with trials beyond what I could imagine. I have in fact encountered many of these women in my job, and many of them have welcomed me with open arms as I invaded their family structures. How many times have I heard that love meets people where they're at? And where they are at is not a level below you? It doesn't beat them over the head and leave them uncoscious or treat them with condescenion. It exalts them and honors the fact that they are made in God's image. I judged these women for not reaching out to me, when in fact I was the one that responded with the infamous "ice queen." Fortunately, some of the time was redeemed, and I did have some good conversations with the women there. Hopefull, I'll have more oppurtunities to walk a mile in their shoes, and they a mile in mine.

In other news, I discovered I was as vulnerable to marketing madness as any other person. This was confirmed as I spent two days this week in Whole Foods. Everytime I walk into that place, my eyes glaze over, and I walk around in a dream like state forgetting that there's a good reason why they call this place "Whole Paycheck." I gave into my granola girl instincts by ordering a Veggie Fun Noodle Bowl which was overflowing with greens and tofu. Then I took the leftovers home, and left Jack speechless when I offered him a taste. You would've thought I told him I was a Democrat (which I already told him ;) and flaming liberal. Yes, I have partly bought into the Whole Foods, organic movement heart and soul. I have to admit though, diet is more important than we give it credit for. I have seen some remarkable changes in children with autim simply by adjustments in diet. It's made me make some significant changes in my own eating habits, and I have to say, what you do or don't put into your body has a significant affect on your state of mind and body.

Finally, I got to hang out with some pretty studly soccer players today as Noah had his soccer pictures. I have to confess I have longed to play soccer for years, and now I may get my chance. Someone has to accompany Noah on the field at all times, and so I may get to live out my World Cup fantasy although I'm fairly certain I'm not supposed to mow down kids or take shots at the goal. Soccer players, please feel free to send me some tips here. I'm going to need all the help I can get. I fully expect to spend my first game wrestling with Noah on the ground; however, he has surprised and humbled me more than once by sailing through unexpected situations. We have yet to try the cleats and the shin guards, but it could get interesting ;) Here's some pictures from the event.

Diving Into Marketing Madness

2008-08-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this entry by saying I have nothing against marketing. I write this blog simply for pure entertainment, and to sharpen my writing skills;) That said, I was out and about at the mall with my girlfriend, Bizzie, having a school minimum day celebration. Bizzie was eating Pinkberry with gusto, and I was stuffing my face with a sub sandwich when I noticed this lady giving us what I would later discover was the "marketing" eye. At first, I thought she might be someone I knew from college, but then I saw her gaze fasten on Bizzie who is a four foot bundle of energy, freckles, and the toothless Life cereal box smile. "Are you sisters?" she asked. Well, I figured that was better than the alternative of being thought of as Bizzie's mom, but after I told her I wasn't in any way shape or form related to Bizzie, it became very clear that I was never the main attraction. You can't compete with the Life cereal box girl when you're 25. "I love her energy!" she kept saying which is a huge red flag that "Hollywood Joe/Josephine" is in the building. This was my introduction to casting director lingo. It turned out she wanted to recruit Bizzie and her family for this new game show entitled "Opportunity Knocks." I fondly think of it as "Opportunity Knocks for Product Placement." By the time we had picked up Bizzie's sister, Katie, from school, word had begun to spread like wildfire that we were all going to be in our own reality show with a fashion line in the works ;) We celebrated by going home and singing Cheetah Girl songs at the top of our lungs.

In other marketing news, my favorite story of the Olympics has become not Michael Phelps, not the "golden track girl" who fell on the last hurdle, or the tear jerking autobiographical sketches NBC does, but the little side story of the beach volleyball player whose sunglasses steamed up. Instead of just taking them off or running to Walmart to grab the 99 cent pair, he took the lenses out and played with just the rims on. Why, you ask? Because he had a contract with his sponsor. Doesn't that just warm the sentimental parts of your soul?

Okay, enough bashing on marketing. I'm like a critic who becomes a critic, because they couldn't make it in their field. Anyways, Noah has been pretty unphased by the Olympics marketing madness, but we did discover a sport he would watch with us.... platform diving. I know he appreciates the technical finesse and all that jazz, but I think he also is jealous of the fact that they are the closest thing to naked of all the Olympic athletes. "Guys, why won't you let me go out in public like that?!" You can see his support in his decision to watch it in the buff. That's true committment to the sport. It's also his way of non verbally protesting the fact that we make him put on clothes before he leaves the house.

When it Rains it Pours

2008-08-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Life in the Winkle household is a unique mixture of chaotic and peaceful. In the past two days, Julie came down with a 103 degree fever, all of Noah's therapists quit unexpectedly, and Noah's older brother ended up in the hospital with a concussion after a nasty mountain biking accident. A comedy of errors, accidents, and strange coincidences. And in all of this life went on, and we all adjusted, including Noah :) How good our God is who takes away what we think we need, and replaces it with Himself and His goodness. In the words of Anne Lammot, when life seems to be at its most confusing and hurtful, something beautiful is about to get born.

Happy Belated Anniversary, Monkey!

2008-08-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over a year that our little Lisa Palmer, now Mrs. Wreesman, entered into holy matrimony with great dignity and also a lot of laughter. I know I told this story during the toast, Mrs. Wreesman, but the blogging world deserves to hear it told again. Now I didn't know Steven that well when they started hanging out, but I knew he was THE ONE after their first date. Steven had gone through the manly ritual of hunting with the men in his family, and had their prize elk's heart sent to the school. He invited Lisa to dissect it with him, and the rest is history.... There is no way to Lisa's heart like an elk's heart. Bring it on PETA, you can't deny true love. Love you guys, and may God continue to bless your marriage.

Parenthood

2008-02-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

This year has been an eye opening look into the daunting world of parenting and God's patient sovereignty. First, it was my job. I spent hours each week in family's homes seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it couldn't stay my job for long. You can't remain clinical for very long when a parent is asking you why their child can't talk or why they won't accept their caresses. Then it carried over into my thesis for grad school. I was looking for answers to give these families. I wanted to fix their situations, but then I began to face the reality that perhaps God didn't want the reality to be "fixed." I wouldn't wish the trials these families face on anyone; however, I have seen a supernatural strength and grace in these families that is stunning to behold. And I have a witnessed that same strength and grace in the children I've gotten to work with. The truth is I haven't discovered any quick fixes for what these families or I myself face. It shook me up that I didn't have a solution. All I seemed to posses was lukewarm platitudes and spiritual catchphrases. My faith seemed to be nothing but bells and whistles, and I was left terrified. And the truth is I still am terrified, but oddly at peace. Another confession, I burned out on my job and on my thesis. I felt like an absolute failure, because I didn't have the ability to "fix" the kids I worked with or myself for that matter. My goal in life has been to prove myself to God and man, and I gloriously failed. I finally lost the battle with God, I had nothing left to prove to Him. I had (still have) to become like a child before Him. My new mentor in becoming like a child before God is Noah. Noah is my "little brother" (although he nearly outweighs me and will very soon be taller than me). I temporarily left my job and took some time away from the thesis, and there to help me pick up the pieces were my family, my church family at Cornerstone, my lovely cousin Meghan, and Noah's family. I was so self-centered and egotistical in all this, but God was so good to me in that I gained infinitely more than I thought I lost. So, I moved in with my mentor, Mr. Noah Winkle, and his family, and I'm letting him teach me how to be a child and how to approach God. It's heartbreaking to see what Noah endures sometimes; the unexplainable screaming and tears and self injurious behaviors. And yet, I swear, like his mom and dad say, that he cries out for mercy with a faith I long for and am in awe of. I have heard him beg for help from the hands of God, and I should be doing the same thing. We all should. Thank you, Noah, for all you have and are teaching me about God and childlike faith. And thank you Jack and Julie, for letting me into one of the most intimate parts of your family life. Thank you to my spiritual family that is Christ to me.