Parenthood

This year has been an eye opening look into the daunting world of parenting and God's patient sovereignty. First, it was my job. I spent hours each week in family's homes seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it couldn't stay my job for long. You can't remain clinical for very long when a parent is asking you why their child can't talk or why they won't accept their caresses. Then it carried over into my thesis for grad school. I was looking for answers to give these families. I wanted to fix their situations, but then I began to face the reality that perhaps God didn't want the reality to be "fixed." I wouldn't wish the trials these families face on anyone; however, I have seen a supernatural strength and grace in these families that is stunning to behold. And I have a witnessed that same strength and grace in the children I've gotten to work with. The truth is I haven't discovered any quick fixes for what these families or I myself face. It shook me up that I didn't have a solution. All I seemed to posses was lukewarm platitudes and spiritual catchphrases. My faith seemed to be nothing but bells and whistles, and I was left terrified. And the truth is I still am terrified, but oddly at peace. Another confession, I burned out on my job and on my thesis. I felt like an absolute failure, because I didn't have the ability to "fix" the kids I worked with or myself for that matter. My goal in life has been to prove myself to God and man, and I gloriously failed. I finally lost the battle with God, I had nothing left to prove to Him. I had (still have) to become like a child before Him. My new mentor in becoming like a child before God is Noah. Noah is my "little brother" (although he nearly outweighs me and will very soon be taller than me). I temporarily left my job and took some time away from the thesis, and there to help me pick up the pieces were my family, my church family at Cornerstone, my lovely cousin Meghan, and Noah's family. I was so self-centered and egotistical in all this, but God was so good to me in that I gained infinitely more than I thought I lost. So, I moved in with my mentor, Mr. Noah Winkle, and his family, and I'm letting him teach me how to be a child and how to approach God. It's heartbreaking to see what Noah endures sometimes; the unexplainable screaming and tears and self injurious behaviors. And yet, I swear, like his mom and dad say, that he cries out for mercy with a faith I long for and am in awe of. I have heard him beg for help from the hands of God, and I should be doing the same thing. We all should. Thank you, Noah, for all you have and are teaching me about God and childlike faith. And thank you Jack and Julie, for letting me into one of the most intimate parts of your family life. Thank you to my spiritual family that is Christ to me.

Happy Birthday Bekita!

A Long Overdue Update

Hey friends, family, stalkers, and random readers! I promised I would keep y'all updated on my life back in the 'burbs of Southern California, and I have been horrible at keeping that promise. So I may be speaking to the air on this update, but I'm always surprised that whenever I update at least one person is listening. I've been inspired to update my blog by a number of people (Sam Neylan, Sarah Ikegami, Julie Winkle, creepy advertisers who try to take over your comment page...). And the Lord is doing some truly amazing things in my life, and I want the grace and mercy that comes from sharing them with the body of Christ. There's also a certain level of accountability that comes from a blog as well. If I post something for the world to see, I best be living it out or working on it! So here goes!
For the past year and a half, I have been working for Applied Behavioral Consultants as a behavior tutor. Don't ask me what the heck that means... I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Basically, I get payed to play with kids all day, and act like one as well. Hey, I know what you're all thinking, and it's much harder than it sounds, trust me! The kids I work with are all on the autism spectrum, and this past year has been a trial by fire in learning to love those who don't appear to desire your love. You know how Americans have a personal bubble around them? Well, most children with autism have a bubble that's a little bigger than most which makes for an interesting time when you're job is to be in their face 20 hours a week. God has used my job to teach me aspects of redemption, sanctification, love, joy, peace etc. that I could go on about for hours.I have also heard that there are several graduates from Master's who are working the same field as me, and if any of you read this, I would love to be in touch with you! And for any who are interested in working in this field, please contact me as well. This field is a huge ministry oppurtunity, not only to the children, but the parents and siblings as well. How does someone with a history degree end up in this field? I don't know, but I thank God for it everyday, and pray for more to join me!
I was encouraged to blog about my experiences with children who have autism by Sam Neylan. After our Sweazy RA reunion this past December, Sam told me that the world needed to hear the stories I told her and the RA's about my job. It was implied that she meant the serious, heart wrenching stuff, but she was mainly referring to the almost daily, hilarous things my kids say and do. People think children with autism have an impaired sense of humor, but far from it. For example, one of my kids in the midst of a full throttle tantrum, kept screaming at me "Miss Carly, I WANT TO HAVE A BABY!!!" Then there's the little boy who yells "atomic wedgie!!!" in the middle of class, and the other one who re-enacts the entire dancing scene from Spiderman 3 including dipping his partner who happened to be his sister. And how could I forget the story one mom told me about her son yelling from the bathroom at a family gathering "I am Batman, and I am pooping!" On the more serious side of things, there's the moments where they first say your name, or actually look at you instead of through you. The first time they hug their mom. The first time their tense bodies relax in your arms instead of fighting your touches. The first time they try to make conversation with you or someone else or try to imitate a word. The first time they kiss you. I will never forget the first time one kid finally said my name after working with him for nearly six months, or the first time my little friend, Noah Winkle, and I prayed together and he said "Amen" at the end. It was priceless, and it's moments like that that you want to share with everyone!
My experiences in the world of autism have greatly influenced my graduate studies as well. I am in year three of chipping away at my Master's in Biblical Counseling, and I'm seeing the end coming up as I begin work on my thesis. Several people at my church (Placerita Baptist) found out what I did for a living, and introduced me to a family in our church who have an 8 year old son with Autism. It's a long story that I'll save for later, but the end result is that I've had the honor of working one on one with their son, Noah, in our Sunday School program. My growing relationship with Noah and his parents, Jack and Julie Winkle, got me thinking about the need for discipleship of children who have developmental disabilities like Autism. It seemed that the Winkles were not the only ones asking this question, all the families I worked with had this same dilemma. My thesis project took a much different turn than I anticipated, and I am now writing my thesis on "The Spiritual Development and Discipleship of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder" (that's the title of the day, it changes almost weekly. If you have any other suggestions for titles, please send them to me!). For the past three years, my life was all about Africa, and my goal was to get through school as fast as possible so I could get out and go back. I didn't really want to put roots down here in suburban central of Santa Clarita, but God knew I needed to. It's going to hurt when I finally do leave, but thank God for the deep love that came before that pain of leaving. Have you truly loved at all if there's no pain when you leave? Now I'm thinking of ways to combine my work with children with disabilites with the work I'm doing or have done in Africa.
On the Africa front, I have not given up on going back. In spite of the wonderful life God has given me here, I love the life He has given me over there as well and I know that both are united in His eyes. This is scary for me to write, because like I said before, when you write something for the world to see, you have to at least work on following through with it. The big news is that I'm working towards moving back to Uganda for a year, and hoping to do that this coming December/January. My friend, Rashid Luswa, at Bethel Covenant College in Entebbe, Uganda has graciously offered me a teaching/counseling job anytime I want to take up the offer. Living over there for a year would give me so many oppurtunities including researching how to use my autism training over there. In agreement with my family and friends, I am looking for a partner to go over with me. So spread the word, and if you're interested contact me ASAP! Don't think you're skills won't be valuable! Trust me, we need all imaginable skills and gifts. If you're knowledge is in entymology or you majored in the enigma known as communications, we can most assuredly find much needed work and ministry for you to do.
So that's the summary of life in the past six months, and I am excited to blog about continuing developments and the funny interludes of daily life. Mambo Sawa, Sawa!